Scandal | angelofeccentricity's Blog

Has anyone ever watched the show, 'Scandal'?
I just recently got really into it.
Mostly because of my mom, if you can believe it.
I caught the last bit of the recently new episode and it was super juicy.
And so, I just started watching all the episodes online.
Still on season 1, but I'm on the last episode before season 2.

I'm not really here to tell the whole plot or try to get people to join the fan base or whatever.
I just wanted to vent something.
I don't know...

I was just thinking...
I wish I could be in Olivia's place.
She's the lead character.
Black, like me, but that's not important.
Or not really.
Or maybe it is.
Maybe the fact that she is black has made me muse about how it would feel to be in her place.
It made me go into her place.

I just finished watching episode 6...
And the way Fitz looked at her...
I wish someone would look at me that way.

I never used to care!
I really never did!
I was so happy not caring about anyone.
Or how anyone felt about me.
I would walk around and not care about whether this person liked me, or whether that person liked
me.
But lately, it's just been so hard.

Maybe I'm finally succumbing to the Valentine's Day blues.
I kept asking myself, "Why do people allow themselves to be so miserable on this day?
Relationships, especially high school relationships, don't matter, so who cares? Today is just like
any other day and it ends. And I still have to finish my homework on time and come to school
the same way I did every other day. So why does it matter?"

And now I think I know.
I think I know.

No one has ever liked me, y'know.
Only once.
In like grade 5... 6...
A guy had a really big crush on me and I started to have a big crush on him, but it wasn't
a sappy love story.
Like I mentioned before, I freaked out and I pushed him away.
And it probably was the right thing because I didn't like him for the right reasons.
I liked him... because he liked me.
As soon as I learned he liked me, the next day, something pathetic switched inside of me
and I suddenly had a crush on him.
Isn't that so stupid?
My brain knows I'm so pathetic that any guy that shows any interest in me, I suddenly switch to.

I just want someone... to look at me like that.
To not just want my body.
But just want to look into my eyes... and see me.

I'm only 16, so things like that won't happen for me.
Shouldn't happen for me.
I'm still too young to even be caring.
It's stupid.
This whole blog is stupid.

All my stupid blog entries have been stupid!
All I've talked about have been boys.
Boys.
BOYS.

...I know Mr. Yale doesn't like me.
I'm just another student.
I know S***a doesn't, Sean doesn't, the Guy on the Bus doesn't, the Pharmacy Guy doesn't, the Bus Driver doesn't... All the other guys that I like to put into my idiotic little teenage brain.

I know it.
I've always known it.

I...
I just try so hard to believe.
I try so hard... to believe.