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My Sister | angelofeccentricity's Blog


My sister...
Let's call her Reena.

You see...
I have this love-hate... hate... hate relationship with her.

I'm just thoroughly tired of her.
I can't handle it anymore.

I do love my sister, to some extent.
We share similar DNA.
I've known her my whole life.
16 years...

She has some very nice qualities.
Like the fact that she is generous.
And she tells the most entertaining stories.
And she's funny.

But...
It's not enough, these qualities.
Because they are almost overwhelmed by the fact that she is a complete.
And utter.
Bitch.

I have some awesome memories with her.
Playing Barbie dolls together.
Making up songs together.
Going on bike rides and walks together.
Just spending time and watching TV and laughing.
All the anime we used to watch together and enjoy.

At the same time, however, I have some of the most awful memories of my LIFE with her.
Because of her.

When people at school ask me, "Have you ever been bullied?"
I say no.
But I'm lying.
I'm lying.
I have never bullied by a schoolmate.
I was bullied mercilessly by my sister.
My own sister.
My own flesh and blood.

You don't know how much years I have spent in my life crying.
Bawling.
Sobbing.
Because she used to pick on me and tease me all the time.
She is the epitome of verbal and emotion bullying.

It was horrible.
But for some reason, I loved her so much!
Whenever she cried, I cried.
Whenever she hurt, I hurt.
I always wanted to comfort her whenever she was sad, but she'd always push me away.
And say for me to go away.
Leave her alone.

Only when she felt in the mood to be nice, was she ever nice.
The slightest things would set her off and make her turn into...
Into...
The most evil.
Most hateful.
Most vindictive person.

Yet, I always cared deeply for her.
Always...

For so many years in my life, I cried because of her.
And my parents would always see me in tears and they'd ask me, "Why are you crying?
What's wrong? What happened?"
And I'd always say,
"It's nothing.
Nothing happened."
But it was always, always her.

And when my parents finally found out how much she terrorized me, they would always tell me,
"Stand up for yourself! Don't let her control you!"
And for the longest time, I just couldn't.
I felt so powerless because of her.
My comebacks were never good enough.
She knew my weaknesses and every single word to injure me and make me cower
like some wounded animal.

Then, finally... one day, I don't even recall it that clearly.
I just told myself that I had endured enough abuse.
I was tired of it!
I was tired of always being scared of her!
And always letting her win.
And so, I fought back.
Whenever she said something hurtful to me, I made sure that I would say something back just as hurtful.
I didn't know how to defend myself that well then.
But now, Reena can't break me.
I've become stronger.
More thick-skinned.
And I'm no longer the weak little girl I once was.

And today.
Today, I've reached the end of my rope.

You see, even though my sister and I have fought soooooo many times,
I don't even know how much, I've always forgiven her.
We'd always have this thing of fighting one day, going to bed, and being best buddies again the next.

It's always been like this.
And then a couple years ago, this stopped.
It'd be 2 days of fighting or some sort of animosity.
Then 3, 4.
And then there was the fight that lasted a week.
We did not talk to each other, even LOOK at each other for an entire week.
We wouldn't sit together on the bus to school.
We'd act like complete strangers.
Until finally, I just couldn't take it as it was getting ridiculous.
I saw her everywhere.
I live in the same damn house as her, so we couldn't avoid each other forever.
And so I sent her a text saying "sorry" (in more words).
And, I guess it was resolved and we started talking again.

However, we had another similar fight.
One week of no talking.
And then there was a complete outburst.
I said mean things to her, she said mean things to me.
And then I said what I've always felt somewhere deep inside me.
I said that I would never like her.
That I never forgave her for all the years she tortured me.
And that I can't bring myself to care for her anymore.
She actually cried from that.

And that was the day my sister and I lost our closeness.

Things weren't the same.
The hostility eventually died down, but it was never the same.
At this point, I just could not stand her presence.
She was tolerable at some times, but just having her give me a hug and or a kiss makes me flinch.
I just am... repulsed.

And then there is today.
My mom was kind of raggin' on her because of her eating unhealthy foods and blah, blah, blah.
My sister got really annoyed, I guess, and started acting really rude to everybody.
I didn't do a single thing to her.

I was just watching TV and out of no where she said she hated me.
And I thought she was just joking around and so I said, "Don't lie, you love me!"
And she kept saying she hated me and I kept saying she loved me.
And then it got to the point where I thought the "joke" wasn't funny anymore, so I just ended it.
I left to go talk to Mom and then came back, and I saw that she had my heater faced towards her.
And then I joked and said, "What the hell is this?"
And she was like, "You weren't even here."
And I said, "Yes, I was."
"No, I saw it and it wasn't even faced towards you."
"No, what was happening was that I was sitting on the ground and I had the top half faced
towards Grandma and the bottom half was towards me."
And so, I reached down to like demonstrate this to her (it's like a swiveling type of heater), and she
reaches down and like grabs it away from me and says not to touch it.
And that moment, I got a little annoyed.
I said, "It's not even your heater."
And she says, "Well, I paid for it."
This is true.
My mom said to buy it for me (I loooove heat) and she said she was going to pay her back.
But I don't know if my mom actually paid her back.
And so, I just shutted up.
I was just gathering all my materials to do my homework and she said the one thing to piss me off.

My sister has an obsession about "winning" fights.
She MUST get the last word in.
And she MUST let you know that you "lost."
And so she said, "Haha, you can't say anything."

I didn't say a word.
But anger was brewing inside me.
So, I did what makes me calm down: sing.

I usually lock myself inside the bathroom, turn on the fan, and sing so loudly that the whole house shakes.
It makes me feel so much better.
But, I figured, no.
No.
I must make her suffer.
And so, I put in my earbuds.
And I sang obnoxiously for such a long time.
I sang loudly.
Right beside her.
My volume at full blast.
And just had a completely good time.

I knew she was getting angrier and angrier.
And inside me, I don't like annoying people, so I felt like I should stop.
But I fought it and still sung.

She tried to get Mom to say for me to stop, but my mom wasn't happy with her and so, she didn't.
Finally, at some point, I was just singing and then she violently kicks the couch I'm on in the living room and says for me to shut up.
The kick caught me off guard.
And I just kind of started shaking subtly with anger.
And so I switched the song to Karma Police by Radiohead.
And made sure to sing the part, "This is what you get. When you mess with us."
And I chuckled darkly about it so she knew it was directed towards her.

She tried turning up the TV volume at full blast.
I just sung louder.
And finally she just couldn't win.
And she put it back down again.

I also should mention that I was on my laptop, and she unplugged the extension cord that I used to plug into the outlet. And so, my laptop battery was dying, so moved to the dining room table and brought the heater with me.
And she said, "What are you doing? That's not yours."
And I didn't say anything, and just tied it up and put it in the corner with me, while still listening to videos and stuff.
And then she comes up and takes it and says that I can no longer touch it.
And I heard it.
But I said instead, "Sorry, can't hear you. Try talking to me when my video is done."

Eventually, I got tired of singing, haha.
It was at least 2 hours of constant singing though.
I have 400+ songs on my MP3.

And this is where we are now, basically.
At one point she called me and asked if I wanted any tea, I guess she wanted to "reconcile", but at this point, I didn't want to reconcile.
So, I looked right in her eyes and said an emphatic, "No."
And looked right back at my computer screen.

I don't want to reconcile with her.
Not even in the slightest.
I'm tired of being nice to her and forgiving her so easily.
I won't ignore her, but I will be very cold towards her.

I'm tired of her and her constant bullsh*t.
She can't always decide that when she isn't in a good mood, that I shouldn't be either.
F*ck that!

I'm tired of her.
And I will let her know that I dislike her.

Because I don't like her.
I don't.

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