Where Is That Familiar Feeling of Relief? | angelofeccentricity's Blog

I am finally finished all 4 of my exams and I get tmrw off to just relax before
school kicks me in the butt again.
And usually at this time, I feel so absolutely relieved and happy, but right now
I just don't.
I feel almost the exact opposite.
I feel sad.
Like really sad.
And also tired.

Probably because I spent the morning of today's exam crying and then the rest writing,
and then came home to a 3-hour, uninterrupted nap.

I was crying for the stupidest reason.
You see yesterday, I was cramming for biology because I maybe had studied once before today.
And so, I don't know why, but I could not, for the life of me, concentrate.
I would always end up on Youtube or Facebook or something else that is meaningless and
just waste 30 minutes at a time and then soon it went from 9 PM to 1:30 AM with
probably the vast majority of that time watching videos or on Facebook, profile stalking
people or whatever and maybe like an hour was actually studying.

And then I got into study mode.
This is the time when absolutely nothing distracts me.
It's the best because when I'm in absolutely panic-omg-gotta-study mode,
I am completely focused.
I don't waste time.
I'm efficient, relatively quick, my heart's racing and I'm completely alert.
Just fully digesting the information.
I once was in study mode for 9 hours straight in grade 9 when I was going over math.
That was my prize moment in life.

And so, I was in this mode for about 2 hours or so, and then I started feeling tiredness
behind my eyes and it started to distract me, so I figured I'd take maybe a 30-minute, perhaps hour
nap and then get right back to it.
Reflecting on it now, it might not have been the best idea because for all the other
3 exams that I had this week, whenever I went to take a nap, I would keep adding on
15 minutes before I just gave up and just went to sleep to wake up early to study again.
And then when I would do this, the next morning, I would run out of time and have to study
on the bus and then at school for a while and go into the exam room unprepared.
But, I did it.

And so, I went to take my hour nap and when I woke up, my grandmother gave me
heck about only sleeping for a little while and to add more so that I will be well-rested.
I easily gave in because I love sleep.
And so I added about 45 minutes back to my alarm and went on to take a nap.

Next thing I know, I'm jolting awake and I look at the time... 6:45 AM.
I was supposed to wake up 2 hours ago.
I had slept through my alarm.
I freak out.
Like really freak out.
I don't think I've freaked out like this before.
I was super scared.
Here I was.
I had hardly studied for my Bio exam which is a huge subject with lots of things I had
to go over and I had only gotten through the first unit.
I throw my bed cover off and start grabbing at my bio papers, and I don't know exactly
why, but I started crying.
Full on bawling.
The tears were just coming.
I was really panicking.
My dad was like, 'What's going on? Why are you crying?"
I had to take the bus at 7:06 and I still had to sort through all the scattered papers
to be able to study while I was on the bus and then I had to get ready.
I was still freaking out.
My dad was starting to get stern with me because he doesn't like when I cry.
He thinks it's pointless.
And I guess it is, but in that moment, I just really wanted comfort.
Not to be scolded.
And so, I just got into a really bad mood whilst crying.
I was stomping around the house getting all my stuff together, acting really snappy
to my dad when he was asking questions because I thought that he was attacking me
(But I realize now that he was just trying to calm me down and help me).
And so, I put everything in my bag and grabbed some clothes out of my wardrobe,
and went to the bathroom.
Brushed my teeth.
(Side note: Have you ever brushed your teeth while crying? It's the worst
thing ever. Your face is contorted in such a way that is showing extreme sadness, but
when brushing your teeth, you have to force your mouth into almost a smile and so
I was just trying to expose my teeth, but my crying face was trying to force my mouth into a frown.
It was horrible.)
And I just brushed my hair, threw my clothes on and put on my jacket with about 8 minutes to
spare.
And I was waiting at the door to finally go out when it reached closer to the time for the
bus to come and then my dad started talking to me more gently and it made me feel bad
for having being so moody with him.
At this point, I wasn't bawling, but I was just having silent tears.

As I was walking to the bus, I realized that the reason why I was crying so much
wasn't because I was scared that I was going to miss the bus and all that.
But because I felt really hopeless.
I know I didn't study much and that I was gonna go into the exam with only some
knowledge.
And I was really scared.
I know there isn't a single exam that I got in the 90s.
I completely wasted my time and my marks are gonna drop because of it.

By the time I reached the school, I had fully calmed down.
I felt a little drowsy from all the energy I had spent crying my eyes out.
I studied a bit more, gave in my textbook to get my "Permission to Write" slip and
walked into the exam room in an okay state.
I wasn't overly confident (I couldn't be), but I felt peaceful.
I had just prayed and I felt like I shouldn't be scared.

I'm not overly religious, mind you, but I do believe in God.
And He gives me some sense of peace when I really need it.

And so, I wrote the exam.
I surprised myself by remembering quite a bit of things that I hadn't gone over, but
there surely were some questions that I just did not know, and had to make
some deduction or simply guess.

I know that I got at least 20 full marks for my long answers (10 marks per question), but
I know that for the other 30, I probably lost a few points.
I still answered though, so I wouldn't get a zero.

Just calculated, and judging by the amount of questions I wasn't too sure on in the
multiple choice and the points I feel would be taken off for long answers,
my lowest mark would be 78%.
Whoaa.
I'm just hoping that my guessing worked out in the end.

I also know that for the math exam, my highest would probably be 89.
For French, I don't really know. Probably also 89.
For Chem: somewhere in the 80s.

Oh well.

Wow. My grade-9 self would be shocked by me right now.
I was always a keener (and almost kind of still am), but she would have been
completely surprised to see that I'm not freaking out right now, that I had hardly studied,
and that I had entered exams completely unprepared.
Remember, grade-9 me studied for 9 hours straight for MATH.

But anyway, because of the fact that I know I didn't do that great on the exams,
I'm not feeling relieved.
More like drained.
Just physically and mentally drained, and I wish that I could just fall asleep and never get up.