Maybe. Possibly. | angelofeccentricity's Blog

I've decided today that I'm gonna just stop eating.
And just go on a water fast.
I don't know why.
I should be against it.
I've seen countless television programs saying all these bad things about this, but I can't
seem to care.
I don't know.
I don't care about my health too much.
I have xylophagia already, which I'm pretty sure isn't good for me.
Then there's me, constantly drinking juices, eating bread, chomping down a whole bag of chips.
How's is that healthy either?

I guess I'm kind of suicidal.
It's weird, really.
I'm sort of scared of dying.
Like I'm scared about what's on the other side.
My family is so religious, and I guess, in a sense, I am too because I have a fear of God.
And he'll just see how much I hate life and send me straight to hell.
That's why I kind of wish I didn't know about God or that I was an atheist because then, I wouldn't care.
But it would be kind of funny because I wouldn't be writing this right now if that was the case.
Maybe that's not the truth either since I'm scared of hurting myself either.
I couldn't slash my wrists.
I couldn't put a cord around my neck (I'm pretty sure I have nothing in my house to hang off of).
I couldn't jump in front of train. Just seeing that train approaching me would be enough to terrify me.
I don't really know.
I'd have to be really at the edge.
Maybe I'd just take a bunch of pills. We have a ton of those.
And maybe I'd go down and gulp down some alcohol while I'm at it. My dad has a ton of that.

But this isn't about me killing myself.
This is about not eating.
I've seen a lot of things saying, don't do it, don't do it.
But I just don't care about myself enough to not do it.
I don't eat healthy anyway.
I can't exercise since I'm always doing homework and when I'm not doing homework, I'm wasting time.
So, maybe I'll just stop.

I have a really funny reason for wanting to do it too.
The thing is, I'm really flat-chested. No boobs at all.
So, I figure, no boobs now, might as well not have boobs later.
I just have a fat stomach and nothing to show for it.

I just have to withstand the hunger pains.
Hunger pains are the worst.
I have such a love affair with junk food that I have to keep my wallet at home just to keep myself from being tempted.
I've done it for a week, I can do it for another.

You know, might as well make my mummy proud while I'm at it.
She's always talking about how my sister and I are big tubbies, so I'll do it for her.

It's 11:57 PM, nearing the start of a new day.
I'm around 4'11".
I'm... I'll go weigh myself right now.
Back.
I'm 110 lbs.
My mom said adding 5 lbs always more accurate, so essentially, I'm 115 lbs.
Eugh.
All that juice and bread I've been having isn't helping, obviously.
I'm gonna go check BMI and make a judgment.

I'm currently at a "normal weight" with a BMI of 23.2. Normal weight is 18.5 to 24.9. I'm very close.
I want to get to a solid 18.5 at least.

It seems as though if I get to 92 pounds, I'll be at 18.6.
I have to do this. Seems so hard though... Losing 23 pounds.
I can do it...
I remember when I was 90 pounds.

I can do it again.