Thou Shall Not Kill... Yourself | angelofeccentricity's Blog

I'm tired of life.
I don't want to live.
I have nothing to look forward to.
Like really.
All the things that people say when they talk about suicide...
I just don't care.

"Bigger better things."
"It gets better."
Psshh.
I don't care.

I know there are greater things in life.
I can have a nice career in pharmacy.
Make lots of money.
Get a big house.
Travel the world.
Have snazzy things.
Meet interesting people.
Find my soul mate.
Get married.
Have kids.

I just can't bring myself to care.

And this apathy that I feel just makes me want to die more.
I wish I didn't even have to die.
I wish I didn't exist in the first place.

I wish my mom had pursued her career path and not have had me.

I sometimes have these out of body moments, where I just think about my life.
And how it's going no where.

My life has become stagnant.
I love the people in my life.
I've made a lot of friends.
I get to laugh.
I get to smile.

But I don't care.
Nothing interests me anymore.

Maybe it's school.
School has perhaps just weakened me, mentally.
Being in that IB program has killed me.
Just that feeling of being utterly stupid.

You see, I based my whole identity on doing well in school.
I have a 81 in English right now.

An 81.

And I know, I'm being a pretentious little fxck right now, but...
It's what I've based my identity on.
My parents, specifically my mom, conditioned me into caring only about school.
Education.
And I understand.
Education is pretty fxcking important.

But I feel so dumb.
So idiotic.
In everything I do.
I don't understand.
My parents think I'm fxcking brilliant, but I'm not.
I had to work hard just to get all those fxcking 90s.
I'm not a genius!
Not even in the slightest!
But they don't get that!
I don't get that...
I want to be a genius.
I need to be.
But I'm not.

And I feel so helpless now that I know that working my hardest isn't enough.

I know if I work hard enough, I will be able to get a good job.
I know I can.
All this hard work I've done for the past 10 years must lead to something.
SOMETHING.
But I don't care.
I don't want it.

Maybe it's because I'm gonna be a pharmacist.

I don't want to be a pharmacist.
I want to do something in psychology.
I love the mind.
I adore it.
I want to explore it.

But as soon as I mentioned to my family that I wanted to pursue a career in psychology.
They belittled me.
I know it was playful.
But I also know there was some truth behind it.
There's always truth behind jokes.

I guess it was nice of them.
Telling me I could do better things than just be a mindless psychologist.
Be a pharmacist.
You'll make lots of money.

Okay.
Okay then.
FXCK PSYCHOLOGY.
I'll just be a fxcking pharmacist.
Because that's what I'll enjoy.
I'll enjoy that.
Because that's what you want, Mom.
That's what you want, Dad.
That's what you want, Sister.
That's what you want, Brother.
That's what I want!
Yes!
That's what I want...

Okay.

I don't care about life.
Life hasn't been given a meaning.
And I'm in no way in pursuit of its meaning.
Just tell me.
But since no one will,
SINCE GOD WON'T,
I don't care.