Dear, Ray. | angelofeccentricity's Blog
I'm lying to you.
I feel so fake. And I am fake.
I pretend that I feel the same way you feel.
But I don't.
I don't know what happened within me.
Finally grew some self-respect...
I can't continue to lower myself and degrade myself anymore.
That was the way I met you.
I met you because I had low self-esteem.
I was lost.
I was hurt.
I felt unloved.
I was searching for love.
And what I found was not love.
Especially not from you.
This. Is not love.
This is pure, unadulterated lust.
And it sickens me that I deba
And now I'm here.
You supposedly have 'feelings' for me, but I can't bring myself to believe it.
It was ba
The fact is that I don't understand romantic love.
I've never experienced it yet.
I don't understand adult things.
Things that I tried to understand and things that you allowed me to try to understand.
And shame on you for that.
I understand why you put all these 'feelings' on me.
I know she doesn't show you love.
And it must be so hard for you.
It must be hard to lay in bed and not feel the warmth of love.
It must hurt.
But I am not the one to hold all of your hurt on my shoulders.
I have grown.
I'm no longer the little helpless girl that I once was.
I'm becoming a better person for myself.
And I can't continue this relationship.
This relationship is what is holding me back.
This relationship is what is restricting me.
I feel a sort of dependence on you still.
You make me feel desired and cared for.
But it's wrong.
I don't feel love from you.
I don't have love for you.
I lied and told you that I loved you, but I didn't.
I realize now that what I felt was not love.
And I'm so sorry for not telling you the truth.
I feel a sort of duty to always please you.
And by doing that, I've lied to myself and I've obviously lied to you.
I tried to make myself feel something that I could not feel.
And do not feel.
And will continue to not feel.
No matter how much you say you miss me.
No matter how much you say you love me.
I can't continue on this path.
I cannot continue to say I want something when I don't.
I already made one mistake with you.
I will not allow you to lead me into making one again.
The fact is, I don't consider you a lover.
I consider you a friend.
Perhaps not even a friend...
You bring out the worst in me.
And you've made me feel regret.
How could you let me feel regret?
How could you take advantage me?
How could I let myself feel regret?
How could I let myself be taken advantage of?
You make me angry.
You make me feel guilty.
You make me feel sad.
And at the same time, you make me happy.
You make me feel loved.
But why is that the only reason that I stay with you?
Why am I so pathetic?
I don't know.
I don't understand myself.
But I understand that this is wrong.
It was wrong from the beginning and it's wrong now.
I shouldn't have let you begin to feel the way you feel now.
And for that I apologize.
I apologize for leading you on for something that isn't there.
I don't love you, Ray.
And I wish I had the strength to say all of this to your face.
There are no comments on this post yet, be the first to leave one!
Previous Posts...Idiot., posted May 17th, 2013
Keep On Dreaming, Dreamer, posted May 11th, 2013
Him, posted April 27th, 2013
My Sister: A Passive-Agressive, Spiteful B*tch, posted April 24th, 2013
I'm Absolutely Terrified of School, posted March 31st, 2013
Love., posted March 26th, 2013
Lately..., posted March 24th, 2013
Can't Stop Feeling So Sad., posted March 9th, 2013, 2 comments
What Is This?, posted March 3rd, 2013
Scandal, posted February 16th, 2013
Thoughts, Thoughts, Thoughts..., posted February 15th, 2013
My Sister, posted February 11th, 2013
Where Is That Familiar Feeling of Relief?, posted January 31st, 2013
What Are You?, posted January 27th, 2013
Maybe. Possibly., posted January 21st, 2013
Pity Party for the Self-Consumed, posted November 22nd, 2012
Thou Shall Not Kill... Yourself, posted November 22nd, 2012
Dear, Ray., posted November 4th, 2012
Egotistical and Lying To Myself, posted October 18th, 2012
Adults Are Fascinating, posted August 13th, 2012
I'm a Loser!, posted July 21st, 2012
Slightly Pathetic, posted June 21st, 2012
An Involuntary Lone Wolf, posted June 16th, 2012
Depth of Approximately One Millimeter, posted June 7th, 2012
Purely Physical?, posted June 6th, 2012
Frickin' Jealousy, posted June 1st, 2012
A Heartwarming Glimpse, posted May 25th, 2012
The Stink of Humiliation, posted May 6th, 2012
Like the Wind, posted May 1st, 2012
Longing, posted April 7th, 2012
Hostility And Complexities, posted April 5th, 2012
Lined Paper, Plain Black Letters and Fatigue, posted March 31st, 2012
Odd, But Familiar Stifling Feeling Within My Chest, posted March 29th, 2012, 2 comments
This May Seem Pathetic, But..., posted March 29th, 2012
Fat. Fatter. Fattest., posted March 29th, 2012
A Deformed Face, posted March 28th, 2012
21 Jump Street, posted March 27th, 2012
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos
Who Or What Has Inspired You The Most In Your Life?
A fun new question each day. Winners get trophies and points.
Respond and Vote Now!