Dear, Ray. | angelofeccentricity's Blog

I'm lying to you.
I am.
I feel so fake. And I am fake.
I pretend that I feel the same way you feel.
But I don't.

I don't know what happened within me.
Finally grew some self-respect...
I can't continue to lower myself and degrade myself anymore.
That was the way I met you.
I met you because I had low self-esteem.
I was lost.
I was hurt.
I felt unloved.
I was searching for love.
And what I found was not love.
Especially not from you.
This. Is not love.
This is pure, unadulterated lust.
And it sickens me that I debased myself to find this 'love.'
And now I'm here.
You supposedly have 'feelings' for me, but I can't bring myself to believe it.
It was based on something very different than what you describe.

The fact is that I don't understand romantic love.
I've never experienced it yet.
I'm young.
I'm naive.
I'm vulnerable.
I don't understand adult things.
Things that I tried to understand and things that you allowed me to try to understand.
And shame on you for that.

I understand why you put all these 'feelings' on me.
I know she doesn't show you love.
And it must be so hard for you.
It must be hard to lay in bed and not feel the warmth of love.
It must hurt.
But I am not the one to hold all of your hurt on my shoulders.

I have grown.
I'm no longer the little helpless girl that I once was.
I'm becoming a better person for myself.
And I can't continue this relationship.
This relationship is what is holding me back.
This relationship is what is restricting me.

I feel a sort of dependence on you still.
You make me feel desired and cared for.
But it's wrong.
I don't feel love from you.
I don't have love for you.
I tried...
I lied and told you that I loved you, but I didn't.
I realize now that what I felt was not love.
And I'm so sorry for not telling you the truth.

I feel a sort of duty to always please you.
And by doing that, I've lied to myself and I've obviously lied to you.
I tried to make myself feel something that I could not feel.
And do not feel.
And will continue to not feel.
No matter how much you say you miss me.
No matter how much you say you love me.

I can't continue on this path.
I cannot continue to say I want something when I don't.

I already made one mistake with you.
I will not allow you to lead me into making one again.
I won't.

The fact is, I don't consider you a lover.
I consider you a friend.
Perhaps not even a friend...
You bring out the worst in me.
And you've made me feel regret.

How could you let me feel regret?
How could you take advantage me?

How could I let myself feel regret?
How could I let myself be taken advantage of?

You make me angry.
You make me feel guilty.
You make me feel sad.

And at the same time, you make me happy.
You make me feel loved.

But why is that the only reason that I stay with you?
Why am I so pathetic?

I don't know.
I don't understand myself.

But I understand that this is wrong.
It was wrong from the beginning and it's wrong now.
I shouldn't have let you begin to feel the way you feel now.
And for that I apologize.
I apologize for leading you on for something that isn't there.

I don't love you, Ray.
I'm sorry.
And I wish I had the strength to say all of this to your face.

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