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angelofeccentricity's Blog


...Idiot.

Have you ever hoped for something so much and then you just watch it crumble right in front of you?
That's kind of what has happened to me.

Thinking about it now, it sort of works on two levels in my life at this moment.
First with my first full IB exam for Chemistry and then with S.

My Chem exams were horrible.
Paper 1, Paper 2 and Paper 3.
Just utterly horrible.
I don't even know what my IB mark will be.
Maybe like a 4 or a 5.
I'm leaning towards a 4 though. *sigh*

It sucks though.
This constant disappointment I feel for myself.
I was just so used to doing well in school and being confident in my abilities.
I thought that was school was just going to be easy for me.
I'd fly through it and I would never have to worry about failing or seeing my marks drop.

And now that I think about it, last year was so easy.
This year, it just feels like my entire life is just crumbling down.

It's like I'm hanging off of this cliff and at first, I was fighting so hard to pull myself back up.
But now I'm just feeling tired.
Not physically, but mentally.
What's at the top of this cliff?
Do I even really care enough to pull myself up?
Why does it deserve such effort?
And I feel like I'm just slowly letting go.
And soon I'm just going to fall into this abyss of complete jadedness.
I'll just continue falling and falling until I turn into insignificant dust that someone sweeps up with a dirty broom.

My life is insignificant.
It's horrible being the centre of your own world.
Your life is just this horrific first-person video game that you can't exit.
I wonder what our game over is?
Is it suicide?
I don't know.

I'm not thinking about suicide in regards to S.
Boys can take over my thoughts, but they won't take over my life.
It's more because of school.
School was the centre of my universe.
My parents conditioned me into thinking my self-worth was in grades and percentages.
And now that this whole image is shattering for me, I don't think I can take it.
I just don't want to deal with failure.
It is my worse fear and it always has been.
All this time I've been having (what I've deemed as) success after success after success.
And now I'm getting 70's?
50's?
It's like my heart is being ripped out by this puppet-master that is IB.

I can see the good intentions that IB has.
But it just ruins you.
I'm serious.
When you go into the IB program, it just destroys any of your eagerness for learning.
It becomes this horrible, mind-numbing kind of chore.
All you want to do is just crawl into your bed and f***kin' sleep, but you can't!
No!
Because you have a friggin' assignment due tomorrow and you better damn-well get it done.
Who cares if you only got 2 hours of sleep last night?
You better f***kin' suck it up because you'll have more of it tomorrow.
And the day after that.
And the day after that.
And the day after that.
And then everyday is just waiting for the day after that.
It makes you cringe.
It makes you shake with fear for what's ahead.

And I'm finding myself wondering, will it all be worth it in the end?
All these former IB kids and all the IB coordinators talk about the future.
How bright, how wonderful, how great it will be.
But will it?
I feel like I'm just going to be in university for eight dreadful years, get a job that I'm not passionate about, marry someone that I don't love, have kids that I don't want, live in a house that I don't care about, work tiresomely at some job that doesn't fulfill me and then my heart'll just give out and there'll be nothing left of me. I'll be rotting in some grave or cremated into filthy ashes and put into an urn on someone's dusty shelf.

My life will be nothing.
My life is nothing.

Oh, and S has a girlfriend.

Keep On Dreaming, Dreamer

This post is dedicating to myself: the dreamer.

If anyone would like to know, school is still unbelievably horrible.
My teachers are still shoving tests and assignments down my throat.
And Physics is still completely incomprehensible.
I think my brain might just implode.

I'm just wondering if my mental breakdown will occur before or after summer break.

Oh summer, summer, where for art thou summer?
Waiting not-so-patiently for summer vacation.
Ugh.
Just a month (and then some) more before it's all done.

I guess I'm sort of the problem in regards to my school stress.
It's just that it seems as though they think that when we come home after school, we'll just start
studying.
Life is not just about school.
I want to be able to come home, mindlessly play video games and then, perhaps, spend time
with such things.
I just want to have time for myself.
That's all.
I don't want my life to be about waking up, going to school, coming home, studying and then sleeping.
Just the thought of such a life makes me physically and mentally ill.

But anyway, that's another post.
Today, I will be talking about S.

*sigh*
I know that he doesn't like me.
Why should he?
I'm so average looking and boring.
I wouldn't have a crush on me.
People that good-looking shouldn't even consider me.

It really sucks knowing that someone doesn't like you the way you like them.
This endless hoping is making me insane.
I don't understand why I still have hope.
It's a crazy notion to think that S would even find me mildly attractive.

It's just that he's been talking to me a lot recently, and I can't help having these stupid thoughts.
Thoughts that perhaps this sudden attention is because of something.
But it can't be.
I can't allow myself to be fully hopeful because then, when he gets a girlfriend --and there's
not doubt that he will-- my heart'll be crushed beyond repair.

Just the other day, he was being playful with a friend of his at school while I was walking out
of the library and I felt like someone kicked me in the chest.
And that was the moment that I just prayed to have this crush end already.

I was mistaken.
Having "painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love" only works
when that love is reciprocated.
Oops.

What is love, even?
Is this love?
I refuse to believe this is love just yet.
As I've mentioned before, I don't believe that I am capable of feeling love at my level of maturity.
And also I put a lot of stock into the word "love."

I'll call this a "strong like."

But anyway, he keeps doing things that make my feelings for him stronger.

1) He keeps looking at me whenever he makes a joke in class, as if he's gauging my reaction or seeing if I'll have a reaction.
I think that he just likes to have someone laugh at his jokes.
I know that I like that.
Probably doesn't mean anything. *sadface*

2) One time, I was telling my friend an unfortunate, but entertaining story about myself and my sister, and we were laughing out loud about it and then I glanced up and he was looking at me. He was faintly smiling. I don't know if he heard. He wasn't really close and I wasn't announcing the story.
I don't know if this is again because he likes seeing me laugh or not.
He probably just heard the story and thought it was amusing.

3) At the beginning of class, he always talks to me. I'll be handing in a paper and he'll start talking to me. Like this one time, I was putting away a Physics lab and he saw my title page and said that it was looked really neat and professional and that his looked like crap. Then he asked if I would like to see it, and I was like sure.
And while he was getting it, he said that he's scared to show me because he's afraid that I'll laugh at it and then he'd cry (so cute!) I told him that I promised I wouldn't laugh. He then took out the lab, and his title page was in a boyish messy script and then at first, in a straight face, I said that it was beautiful. And then I snickered. And he exclaimed, "You said you wouldn't laugh!" And I said, "I said it was beautiful!" And then I walked away, fully amused by this conversation.

4) I shall title this, the group hug. I was absent one day of school and missed a Physics lab. This happened to be the week when a bunch of students were gone on a trip, and so my teacher said I could do it when the kids came back. The next week, at lunch time, the people that were gone that day are doing the lab. We're getting the materials for the lab when I say, unsure of how the groups are gonna be, if I was going to be in a group with my friend, C, who was there. He said yeah, sure. S overhears this and says, "Are we all going to be in group?" And we say yeah. He then comes over and says, "Group hug!" And then gets in a group hug with me and C. C is in the middle, and S and I are on both sides of him. It was awkwardly amusing, and C and I said jokingly and unenthusiastically, "Yay." Fast-forward to another lab we have. I was in a group with H and San. S comes over to me and says, "It's too bad we're not in a group together. We could have a group hug again." And I just laughed and said yeah.

5) He keeps giving me high fives. It happened before two tests. And once before class, as I was passing by, he gave me one randomly. I know, friendly high-fives. You suck, reader, for making me feel bad.

6) I was on the bus going home from school and then suddenly, I see S walking down the street. I was just going to innocently watch him while he was walking, but then he glanced over at the bus, so I quickly looked away. From the corner of my eye, I could see he was kind of looking around at the people near the bus window, I guess trying to see if knew anyone on there. Then I saw his eyes fall upon me and he just kept looking at me while he walked. I turned my head to make sure he was actually looking at me or if it was all in my head. Sure enough, he was and we made eye contact. He smiled and waved at me, and I smiled and waved back awkwardly and then turned my head quickly away. Then I just smiled to myself.

Thinking about it now, it doesn't really seem like signs, does it?
I guess it's just all in my mind.
He's just so cute and dresses really nicely.
Like he wears clothes that just fit him really well.
I'm sorry if I sound like a perv. xD
I'm just saying, there's nothing better than a guy that dresses well.

There I go, being a dreamer again.
This post has successfully broken my dreams.
I just wish that I could just be someone that he would like.
He hangs out with girls that are so pretty.
Why in the actual hell would he like me?

If he did end up liking me, I don't know what I would do.
I'd probably die from my brain being so overwhelmed.

Him

Well,
I've started to like someone.
Like, really like them.

I find myself thinking about them on the bus,
before I go to sleep,
when I'm in class.
All the time.

We've started to become friends, kind of, through the IB program (he's in it too).
We have Chemistry, Math and Physics together so I see him a lot.
We mostly talk in Physics.

But anyway, I kind of liked him last year, but then I just thought he was cute and kind of funny.
And I guess it's the same way now.
Except I see it and feel it in a more intense way.

I hate having the hope that he may like me.
That's why I also hate when guys I like start being nice to me and talking to me because my
stupid brain just loves to get ahead of itself and start speculating and focusing on
every detail that they do.
And every detail seems to always point in the direction of,
"Oh my God, HE LOVES ME."
Which they always don't.

But anyway, I just wish that he could like me back.
Just for once, I wish a guy could like me back.

He's just too nice.
I wish he would just ignore me, so that I could force myself to not care.
Or at least to try not to care.

Like, he always talks to me whenever I'm around.
He's always trying to make me laugh.
He gave me a double hand high-five just before the Physics test we had on Friday.

It might just be because I laugh a lot because people do funny things or say funny things.
I'm like the easiest person to make laugh.
And so, maybe that's the only reason he cares to talk to me.
Just to feel funny.
And he is funny!
Before the test, he was saying stuff to my IB buddy and it was really hilarious.
My friend is really squirm-ish about the littlest things and so, he said he apologizes
if he throws up during the test (since he was really nervous), and then he starts
going into detail, and my friend starts freaking out.
And just watching her, I'm laughing out loud.
And then since he's beside my friend, I'm at the far end (we have to go apart
during tests) and my friend and I are aligned, he kept leaning backwards to
see me laugh.

I've noticed that.
Whenever he's talking to a group of people and I happen to be in that group,
if he makes me and them laugh, he always looks at me.
I don't know if this means something!
Do I just look nice when I laugh or is my laugh meaningful!?
Do I look funny?

I don't know.
I just wish I could read his mind and get the answers already instead of speculating.
Tell me the answers, S!

Oh well.
I like him.
That's one thing I know.


My Sister: A Passive-Agressive, Spiteful B*tch

I don't know how she became so evil.
My parents told me of a point in her life when she was an angel.
Why did I have to be born 3 years after the fact?

I know being bullied changes people, but why did I have to be related to the person that when
once was bullied decides to bully others.
It sucks to think I'd probably be a different person if my sister didn't completely ruin my
young life.
I probably wouldn't be so introverted, shy and quiet if she had just not been born.

And now, for the thousandth time in my life, she's being a f*cking c*nt.

Well, we had no groceries in this house, and so my sister called me up and ask
if I would go grocery shopping with her and my brother.
I said sure at first without thinking, and then instantly after the phone call, I realized
I had to study for the Physics test today.
My kryptonite.
And so, I texted her saying that I had a test tomorrow and wouldn't be able to go.
I didn't feel the vibration of the phone and so I didn't know she texted back.

I came home and I asked her if she got my message, and she said that she texted
back.
Mind you, she said this in the tone that I recognize from many years of knowing my sister.
This is the tone where she has gotten all upset and now she'll make my life miserable
if I don't conform with what she wants.
And so, I read her text that said that I could spare 30 minutes.

I knew that if I went, I would come home tired, start messing around and not study until
it's way too late and I start freaking out (I'm kind of wasting time now too, but I had to
get this off my chest).
And so, I went to my mom, and asked her if they (my brother and sister) knew I had
a test tomorrow.
And apparently, my mom had told my sister about it and said that I wouldn't be able to go.
So my mom even told her, yet she was still acting in such a ridiculous fashion.
Next thing you know, my sister barges in and says, "C'mon, time to go" in the same,
authoritative tone.
My mom said that she told me to go take a nap and then study for Physics so I wouldn't
be able to go.

It just gets worse from then on.
She says it's "typical me" and that when she moves out, the whole motherf*cking house would
crumble (which it wouldn't because she causes most of the family's stress).
Just because my sister does chores maybe twice a week since she's NOT GOING TO SCHOOL
and she's UNEMPLOYED, she thinks she's this amazing, charitable creature that everyone
should bow down to.
No.

And so, she keeps making these comments.
I just go take a nap.
Anyway, 2 hours later, my alarm clock wakes me up and I started doing my Physics stuff.
At first, she doesn't talk to me, just fiddles around in the kitchen.
And then my mom comes and they start talking.
And then she starts saying that my brother is on her "good side" since he went
shopping with her.
Of course, she wants me to hear this.

Well, anyway, my mom comes over and pours me some of the juice they got from shopping
and I drink it.
I go to get some more just when my sister is in the kitchen and she starts scolding me about
how Mom's sick and that juice is for her only.
I told her I didn't know that since Mom had just poured me a glass and I thought that anyone could
have it.
She said well now you know.
And I said, yes, I'm now very aware.
And she says good.

This may sound like a pleasant conversation, but tone is everything, I'm telling you.
It all goes back to the title of this.
She's passive-aggressive.
And it's annoying.
She still thinks that she can bully me around and make me feel inferior, and I guess she still does.

She knew that Physics is the cause of most of my stress now-a-days.
That I've cried countless times about it and still have a 78% in the class despite working
as hard as I could.
She knows all about that.
And she also knows that I said yes just before I remembered the test I have coming.
I would've gone if I could've.
But I couldn't.

I just can't explain how my sister is like.
I hate her so much sometimes.
I want to ignore her, but then she thinks we're buddy-buddy again and I fall into the trap.
I just want her to be gone already.
Out of my life, so I can finally get some peace.

It bugs me so much knowing how much she affects me.
And it sucks.
I wish I just didn't care about her.
Not caring about someone is worse than hating someone.
Because then they don't exist.

I want my sister to cease existing.

I'm Absolutely Terrified of School

Spring break is ending, and I'm so scared...
I don't want to go back.
I just want to stay in bed, and just lie there forever.

School terrifies me.

I'm scared...
I'm scared of doing worse than I already am.
My high school career is already declining substantially.
My grades...

They are just dropping.
I'm doing horribly in Physics.
I just can't seem to concentrate anymore.

I can't study.
I can't think.
I can't focus.
Every time I look down at my papers, my brain just becomes jumbled.

I think I'm just so scared about failing.
And that's what is making me fail.

I just don't even want to go anymore.

I'm slowly scaring my mom, actually.

Before, I used to say that I would never drop out of school because
I already put all my time and effort into it and to leave it all behind would be so
stupid that I couldn't do it.

But then when she mentioned it again, I said that I wouldn't mind dropping out
of school.

My mom already has said that she wished that she never put me into IB.
And that I should've stopped when she told me to.

And in grade 10, she did say that I could leave.
But at that time, I couldn't let myself give up and give in.
I already knew a lot of people in there and I liked them.
And I didn't want to be the one that left.
And then my IB coordinator was always saying for me to keep trying and
see how it went.
And it actually went okay.
But that was last year.

This year, I'm dying.
I seriously am.
Grade 12 is going to be worse.
And just thinking about it is making me want to cry.

I dearly wish I could drop out of school.
I can't take the stress anymore...

It's killing me.

Love.

I can't feel love.
Romantic love, I mean.

I haven't ever been in love.
I've always felt that I was still too young to feel love and that I shouldn't even THINK
about it until I become mature enough.
But lately, I've realized I'm getting older (turning 17 in a few days) and also,
I've been more aware that people love each other romantically or that a person likes me
that way... And I can't understand it.

I kind of want to feel it.

My life is boring.
Just boring in every single way.
Not a single interesting thing happens to me on a day-to-day basis.
And at my volunteer job, my supervisor is always talking about these
girl problems he has with a girl and it's just so... interesting!

I remember when I used to constantly think of a certain guy I had a crush on
in middle school and all the feelings I would get.
Like embarrassment.
Nervousness.
The feeling of your heart beating out of your chest.
I want that!

All the people that I have "crushes" on, that long list of people, don't make me feel
that way.
My soul doesn't hang on their every word.

Why haven't I met someone that makes me feel that way?
It's been ages.
Ever since I hit grade 9, I've never felt that way...
I want those feelings back.

I want to love!
And I don't just want ordinary love.
Boring love.

Like Olivia Pope said, "I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love."

That's I want.

Lately...

...I've been feeling as though I've stopped becoming a person.
I've become stagnant.
Or I'm simply regressing.

I've stopped growing.
And all I am now is a sack of flesh, moving around without a purpose.
Without prospects.
Without hope.

Can't Stop Feeling So Sad.

I don't know...
I feel sadness.
I feel despair.
I feel hopeless.
I feel jaded.

It's just overwhelmed me.
I don't want to do anything.
I don't feel like breathing anymore.
It's just too much work now... it's too hard.
I wish I could just push the off button right now.

It's weird.
I love laughing. And at school, everyone knows me as the bubbly one.
The one that always has a smile on her face.
The one that just can't be sad.
But I am.
I don't fake those stuff.
The laughter.
Or at least I hope I'm not.

How can I be the one that can't stop laughing, but also be the one that has wanted to
kill herself since she was 10 years old?

I just... hate being alive.
I really wish my mom hadn't had me.
I wish she had waited and finished university and get her Masters like she wanted to
and not had me.
I know it makes her miserable not having been able to be a doctor.
And it would be good for both of us.
She would be a doctor and have nice, happy kids.
And I wouldn't have had to experience pain.

I don't even know why I hate myself so much and hate my life.
I don't have it bad at all.

I hate being sad.
I hate it.
I want to be happy.

I was already unhappy when I was doing good in school.
But now, I'm doing bad in school.
And it's just worse.
Now, I really just have nothing to live for.

I don't deserve to be in the IB program.
I knew I didn't.
That's why I didn't sign up.
But no; at the last moment my mom signed me up, I did the exam and I got in.
And I've just hated it ever since.
My grades have dropped.
I'm now getting 80s.
I'm pretty sure I am failing Physics.
I got a 51% on my test last week.
I didn't study at all until the day of it and I completely blanked out during the test, so it was like
I hadn't studied at all.
I couldn't study because I'm taking 8 subjects this semester and they all want to give us homework
everyday and I had to write a lab and didn't have time and...
And...
I'm just not getting any sleep.
I stay up late every night doing homework.

I... I'm just so tired of working so hard.
I just want to kill myself!
I don't want to do this anymore.
I've tried so hard, but it's not working anymore!
I feel such resentment towards my mom for making me do this.
And I don't want to hate her.
I don't hate her.
I love her.
I love her with all my might.
But I hate how she made me do this.
I can't do this.
I can't do IB.

I don't want to die.
I can't die.
God won't let me kill myself.
I'll go to hell.
And I don't want to go to hell.
I wish someone would just kill me and let it all just be done already!

I'm tired...
I'm just so tired.
I've cried so much over the past few weeks.
And crying makes my parents yell at me for being so weak.
But I have to cry.
Crying is supposed to help...
I don't think it does though.

I wish I could runaway.
Just runaway from my life.

If only I was smarter.
But I'm not.
I'm dumb.
I had to work hard to get good grades and now I'm trying to juggle all this work and still be
able to study, but it doesn't work.
It never works.
You try harder and harder, but everything just becomes worse and worse.

I wish that God could just see that I can't take any more and take me out of my misery.

If my family wasn't religious, I would've killed myself already.
I wish I didn't believe in God.
I wish I didn't know about God.

I wish I just didn't know.

It's hard breathing when breathing hurts so much.

What Is This?

I really don't know what's going on with me.
I don't know.
I guess now that if you read my blog, just expect I'll talk about boys.

I have no idea how I became boy-obsessed.
I don't understand.
Well, it's not really an obsession, it's just that I actually, for once, care about boys.
Before, I didn't not give two craps about boys and feelings.

But anyway, I won't get into that again.

Right now, I want to talk about Shane.
That's the only thing going for me right now.
Well, nothing is even really going.
Just something that doesn't make me utterly tired and jaded...
Physics... Oh my God.
Anyway!
Shane.

Well, I volunteer at a hospital and there is a guy who works there that actually
interviewed me in the first place and accepted my application.
I wasn't really impressed with him.
I mean this in the way that I wasn't attracted to him.
He was a boy.
He interviewed me.
I was scared out my mind.
And I didn't have time to think about "Is he cute or not?"

And even when I was accepted a few months later (they get many applications and have
over 500 volunteers) and started working at the shop, I still didn't start liking him.
Or even see him in that light.
And so, I'd pass him at the desk, say hi or whatever, sign in, but I didn't really see him in
a "Hey, I like-like you" way.
He has brown hair. It's long. He cut it a bit short though now.
Blue eyes.
Don't really know how else to describe him.
Big eyes?
I feel awkward.

Anyway, it all happened yesterday.
That's when I gained "feelings."
So, I get off the bus, go into the hospital, and go to the volunteer office.
I see him and a friend there. I say hi to her and go to sign in.
He said that I had to sign something because something happened with my volunteer vest, AGAIN.
And so, I sign it, we laugh about it, and I leave.
Still no feelings.

After volunteering, I was walking back, talking with my friend and I walked in with her.
She's more outgoing and social, so she says, "Hi Shane."
I don't say anything.
He goes, "Hi ladies."
And he's looking directly at me.
I like making eye contact with people usually, so I didn't really mind this.
But I didn't like stare into his eyes.
I made eye contact and then looked away to go sign out.
Well, my friend signs out first, talks to Shane a bit and then leaves.
I'm signing out and while I'm doing it, I feel eyes on me.
You know that feeling you get when you know someone's watching you?
That happened.
So, I glance to the left and he's looking at me, and he smiles.
So I smile back.
And then he says, "Did you have a good day today?"
And I said, "Yeah!" as I'm leaving the room, and then there is kind of a pause and I realize maybe I
should've asked him if he did too. But the time to ask had already passed so I just laughed
awkwardly and nervously like I usually do when I interact with people and left.

This is where feelings occurred.

Obviously nothing happened.
Absolutely nothing.
It's not like he said, "I think you're cute," like an actual verbal statement of liking me.
There was none of that.
And no way did he insinuate this with looking at me.
But whenever the male species gives me even the slightest attention,
BAM!
Feelings.

I can't help it.
And so, now.
I like Shane.
*sigh*

That's me in a nutshell.

Scandal

Has anyone ever watched the show, 'Scandal'?
I just recently got really into it.
Mostly because of my mom, if you can believe it.
I caught the last bit of the recently new episode and it was super juicy.
And so, I just started watching all the episodes online.
Still on season 1, but I'm on the last episode before season 2.

I'm not really here to tell the whole plot or try to get people to join the fan base or whatever.
I just wanted to vent something.
I don't know...

I was just thinking...
I wish I could be in Olivia's place.
She's the lead character.
Black, like me, but that's not important.
Or not really.
Or maybe it is.
Maybe the fact that she is black has made me muse about how it would feel to be in her place.
It made me go into her place.

I just finished watching episode 6...
And the way Fitz looked at her...
I wish someone would look at me that way.

I never used to care!
I really never did!
I was so happy not caring about anyone.
Or how anyone felt about me.
I would walk around and not care about whether this person liked me, or whether that person liked
me.
But lately, it's just been so hard.

Maybe I'm finally succumbing to the Valentine's Day blues.
I kept asking myself, "Why do people allow themselves to be so miserable on this day?
Relationships, especially high school relationships, don't matter, so who cares? Today is just like
any other day and it ends. And I still have to finish my homework on time and come to school
the same way I did every other day. So why does it matter?"

And now I think I know.
I think I know.

No one has ever liked me, y'know.
Only once.
In like grade 5... 6...
A guy had a really big crush on me and I started to have a big crush on him, but it wasn't
a sappy love story.
Like I mentioned before, I freaked out and I pushed him away.
And it probably was the right thing because I didn't like him for the right reasons.
I liked him... because he liked me.
As soon as I learned he liked me, the next day, something pathetic switched inside of me
and I suddenly had a crush on him.
Isn't that so stupid?
My brain knows I'm so pathetic that any guy that shows any interest in me, I suddenly switch to.

I just want someone... to look at me like that.
To not just want my body.
But just want to look into my eyes... and see me.

I'm only 16, so things like that won't happen for me.
Shouldn't happen for me.
I'm still too young to even be caring.
It's stupid.
This whole blog is stupid.

All my stupid blog entries have been stupid!
All I've talked about have been boys.
Boys.
BOYS.

...I know Mr. Yale doesn't like me.
I'm just another student.
I know S***a doesn't, Sean doesn't, the Guy on the Bus doesn't, the Pharmacy Guy doesn't, the Bus Driver doesn't... All the other guys that I like to put into my idiotic little teenage brain.

I know it.
I've always known it.

I...
I just try so hard to believe.
I try so hard... to believe.

Thoughts, Thoughts, Thoughts...

This is gonna be a confusing blog entry.
Just writing this before I take my daily IB nap.
I've just been so tired lately.
Like, when I close my eyes on the bus ride home with my earbuds and music playing in my ears,
I don't just stay in this little relaxed, peaceful state anymore.
I fall into a deep sleep.
And then I start falling to the side and jolt awake over and over.
The random strangers I sit beside must feel really uncomfortable.
I seriously almost fell right on a girl like 3 times in one bus ride.
But anyway, this is not the point.

I'm just gonna put a lot of thoughts into this one entry.

First thought: my sister.
We're still angry with each other.
She got super angry when I told my dad everything that happened because he could
see the animosity between each other.
I told him everything.
I didn't even embellish it (that much) to my favor.
There wasn't anything to embellish though!
My sister is just a frickin' sociopath.

My mom has been tracking this, but she thinks that something goes on with my sister in the months of February
and November because that's always been the time when my sister got in trouble at school, or had just
random angry outbursts.
It's really interesting.
I'm going to watch out for next November and February.
And get to the bottom of this.

Anyway, she was going on a rampage when I was telling the story.
Saying she's gonna get me back and all.
And just before that, I was taking one of my daily naps, and she started pounding on the walls,
trying to wake me up, but thankfully I was already awake because...
You see, I love sleep.
I need sleep.
It is the only way I can function.
When I'm tired, I become just very irritated with everyone and everything.
When my sleep gets disturbed once I start, I become the most miserable person you will ever know.
I just fill up with such an anger until I eventually calm down.
But anyway, I was already awake, so Reena dodged a pretty big f*ckin' bullet.

So, yeah, I woke up.
Started doing homework from then.
And so, Reena is on her rampage, but I completely ignore it.
When I was trying to tell my dad everything, she kept yelling stuff from her room and I'd just say, "Excuse me, I'm trying to talk to Dad" and continue on.
Which probably pissed her off some more.

Long story, short.
I woke up the next day.
Quickly finished a Physics lab I had due and I ran to the bathroom to get ready for school and catch the bus on time.
I grabbed my toothbrush, ran it under water, put toothpaste on and put it in my mouth.
And I'm brushing when... I taste soap and smell a perfume.
I'm like, 'Ewww, what is this?
This tastes horrible.'
And then I realize... my toothbrush has been sabotaged!
Someone put like body wash on my soap.
My sister did.
She, of course, denied all of it, but you and I know that it's complete bullsh*t.
I just said that a ghost probably did it and went on my way.
Surprisingly, I wasn't mad.
It was just vaguely unpleasant.
But toothpaste itself doesn't taste that great anyway.

See, my sister thinks she can keep doing the same old sh*t and still be able to hurt me.
Doesn't work that way.
I'm not 12 anymore.
I'm 16.
Putting a bit of soap on my toothbrush isn't gonna make me cry.
Pshhh.
And I thought she was a good bully.

Anyway, that's enough of that.

Now, to boys.
I'm not just saying this for the sake of Valentine's Day.
I meant to write this out a while ago, but I just didn't get around to it.

I think... I've gone boy crazy.
Ugh.
Before, I seriously didn't care about boys.
I went through all of grade 9 without having a single crush.
However, it seems as though as I get older, the less mature I become.
I have like a trillion crushes.
Well, not really.
I think I still don't have crushes...
Actually, I'll describe it and you tell me if it's "crush" status.

Well, I like boys.
Like I see them and I like looking at them.
I don't get flustered talking to them.
I sometimes think of them when my mind is free from school work.

Some of my crushes are more full-blown.

Like, let's see...

Mr. Yale: This is definitely a crush. I don't think about him as often as I used to, but whenever I see him in the hallway and he looks at me and says "Hi", my heart beats so fast. Like, I feel as though my heart is gonna to jump right out of my chest. And I can't stop smiling afterwards! I beam like a kid that just got a new bike or something. *sigh* Mr. Yale...

George: I don't think I like him anymore, to be honest. I see him in the hallway and I look at him. But I don't care anymore if he looks at me. Don't think this is a crush.

Sean: Partner for a mandatory IB project that I have to do for school. Something about him is just really cute and he's really intelligent. But he just got a girlfriend. When I saw them holding hands, I felt like this shock go through me. I think it might've been jealousy, but I'm not sure. When I see him in the library, I look at him a bit, but he's not always on my mind.

S***a: I mentioned him before. He's the one that had a picture of Jeff the Killer on his Facebook profile which freaked me out and caused my to lose a night of a sleep. In grade 10, I kind of liked him, but George and Mr. Yale took up most of my time and I didn't have any room for him. Now, I do. He is cutest guy I've ever seen. He makes me laugh like crazy. He has the sweetest smile. And for some reason, if he's talking and I suddenly show some interest and look at him, he'll stop looking at the person he's originally talking to and look at me, and start talking to me instead of that person. I don't know why, but he just does. For like, everyone. I don't think he likes me though. I think it's mostly because I laugh so much and he probably likes it when someone appreciate his jokes. I appreciate all jokes! But yeah, I actually started really liking him only a few days ago. Not really a full-blown crush yet. Getting there though.

Guy on the bus: I don't know him. Never talked to him. Don't even know his name. I just came on the bus one day and he was there and he was studying for something. I think he is a university student. And I was just really interested in him. He was adorable. He would look away from his binder and then look up in thought and you could see his lips were moving as he was trying to remember something or figure something out. It was the cutest thing and I couldn't stop looking at him. I almost got caught like 2 times just staring at him shamelessly. I didn't see him for like weeks and then he was finally on the bus again. And like before, I couldn't stop stealing looks of him. And then, I saw him again about a week ago. He's just really, really, really cute. I think about him a bit, not that often.

Bus driver: He doesn't drive the bus I go on anymore (-Insert sadface here-), but he was the cutest bus driver I've ever seen. I just looked forward coming home from school at the end of the day, and going on the bus and seeing him there. He was just so cute. I embarrassed myself in front of him though, haha. I was just really tired from school and all, and staying up to do homework. And so, I was just gonna rest my eyes on the bus, but I ended up falling into a deep sleep. I'm like dreaming, and all of a sudden I hear, "Hello?" At first I thought it was part of my dream, but then I hear it again, "Hello?" And I realize that someone is saying it in reality. I opened my eyes and the bus is empty. Like completely vacant. And the bus driver is turned around and look directly at me. I like look around in a dazed-slash-confused state and realize I slept past my bus stop. I quickly got up, grabbed my backpack and walked to the front. He's like trying to stifle his laughter, but I can see it. Smiling. I just say, "Thank you" and got off that bus as quick and could. I'm pretty sure my mouth was kind of open when I was sleeping too. Ugh. Thank God my bus stop is the second last of that route. I hope I get to see him again some day.

Pharmacy guy: I just started volunteering at a hospital for CAS hours (IB) and right across from the shop I work at, there is a pharmacy. On my first day, during orientation, this really cute guy comes in and buys a drink and a snack. He's really sweet too. He leaves. A few hours later, he's back again buying something. One of my co-volunteers there said something funny and I laughed. I looked up and he was laughing too and we shared a look, but I quickly looked away. And then when he left, I watched as he went to the pharmacy. And it turned out he worked there because I saw him behind the desk talking to a customer. What's weird though is that he frequently looks inside the gift shop from the back of the desk and I look at him, but I don't know if he's necessarily looking at me as he's too far away and there is glare on the window that separates us. I don't even know. But just the prospect of him maybe liking me makes me like him even more.

These are the main people that I "like." Are they crushes? I don't know for sure. But they make me feel something.

Well, I've been writing for like 30 minutes now and I really want to get some sleep before I start doing more homework.

tl;dr
I'm a boy crazy girl and my sister tried to sabotage me.
...That b*tch.

My Sister

My sister...
Let's call her Reena.

You see...
I have this love-hate... hate... hate relationship with her.

I'm just thoroughly tired of her.
I can't handle it anymore.

I do love my sister, to some extent.
We share similar DNA.
I've known her my whole life.
16 years...

She has some very nice qualities.
Like the fact that she is generous.
And she tells the most entertaining stories.
And she's funny.

But...
It's not enough, these qualities.
Because they are almost overwhelmed by the fact that she is a complete.
And utter.
Bitch.

I have some awesome memories with her.
Playing Barbie dolls together.
Making up songs together.
Going on bike rides and walks together.
Just spending time and watching TV and laughing.
All the anime we used to watch together and enjoy.

At the same time, however, I have some of the most awful memories of my LIFE with her.
Because of her.

When people at school ask me, "Have you ever been bullied?"
I say no.
But I'm lying.
I'm lying.
I have never bullied by a schoolmate.
I was bullied mercilessly by my sister.
My own sister.
My own flesh and blood.

You don't know how much years I have spent in my life crying.
Bawling.
Sobbing.
Because she used to pick on me and tease me all the time.
She is the epitome of verbal and emotion bullying.

It was horrible.
But for some reason, I loved her so much!
Whenever she cried, I cried.
Whenever she hurt, I hurt.
I always wanted to comfort her whenever she was sad, but she'd always push me away.
And say for me to go away.
Leave her alone.

Only when she felt in the mood to be nice, was she ever nice.
The slightest things would set her off and make her turn into...
Into...
The most evil.
Most hateful.
Most vindictive person.

Yet, I always cared deeply for her.
Always...

For so many years in my life, I cried because of her.
And my parents would always see me in tears and they'd ask me, "Why are you crying?
What's wrong? What happened?"
And I'd always say,
"It's nothing.
Nothing happened."
But it was always, always her.

And when my parents finally found out how much she terrorized me, they would always tell me,
"Stand up for yourself! Don't let her control you!"
And for the longest time, I just couldn't.
I felt so powerless because of her.
My comebacks were never good enough.
She knew my weaknesses and every single word to injure me and make me cower
like some wounded animal.

Then, finally... one day, I don't even recall it that clearly.
I just told myself that I had endured enough abuse.
I was tired of it!
I was tired of always being scared of her!
And always letting her win.
And so, I fought back.
Whenever she said something hurtful to me, I made sure that I would say something back just as hurtful.
I didn't know how to defend myself that well then.
But now, Reena can't break me.
I've become stronger.
More thick-skinned.
And I'm no longer the weak little girl I once was.

And today.
Today, I've reached the end of my rope.

You see, even though my sister and I have fought soooooo many times,
I don't even know how much, I've always forgiven her.
We'd always have this thing of fighting one day, going to bed, and being best buddies again the next.

It's always been like this.
And then a couple years ago, this stopped.
It'd be 2 days of fighting or some sort of animosity.
Then 3, 4.
And then there was the fight that lasted a week.
We did not talk to each other, even LOOK at each other for an entire week.
We wouldn't sit together on the bus to school.
We'd act like complete strangers.
Until finally, I just couldn't take it as it was getting ridiculous.
I saw her everywhere.
I live in the same damn house as her, so we couldn't avoid each other forever.
And so I sent her a text saying "sorry" (in more words).
And, I guess it was resolved and we started talking again.

However, we had another similar fight.
One week of no talking.
And then there was a complete outburst.
I said mean things to her, she said mean things to me.
And then I said what I've always felt somewhere deep inside me.
I said that I would never like her.
That I never forgave her for all the years she tortured me.
And that I can't bring myself to care for her anymore.
She actually cried from that.

And that was the day my sister and I lost our closeness.

Things weren't the same.
The hostility eventually died down, but it was never the same.
At this point, I just could not stand her presence.
She was tolerable at some times, but just having her give me a hug and or a kiss makes me flinch.
I just am... repulsed.

And then there is today.
My mom was kind of raggin' on her because of her eating unhealthy foods and blah, blah, blah.
My sister got really annoyed, I guess, and started acting really rude to everybody.
I didn't do a single thing to her.

I was just watching TV and out of no where she said she hated me.
And I thought she was just joking around and so I said, "Don't lie, you love me!"
And she kept saying she hated me and I kept saying she loved me.
And then it got to the point where I thought the "joke" wasn't funny anymore, so I just ended it.
I left to go talk to Mom and then came back, and I saw that she had my heater faced towards her.
And then I joked and said, "What the hell is this?"
And she was like, "You weren't even here."
And I said, "Yes, I was."
"No, I saw it and it wasn't even faced towards you."
"No, what was happening was that I was sitting on the ground and I had the top half faced
towards Grandma and the bottom half was towards me."
And so, I reached down to like demonstrate this to her (it's like a swiveling type of heater), and she
reaches down and like grabs it away from me and says not to touch it.
And that moment, I got a little annoyed.
I said, "It's not even your heater."
And she says, "Well, I paid for it."
This is true.
My mom said to buy it for me (I loooove heat) and she said she was going to pay her back.
But I don't know if my mom actually paid her back.
And so, I just shutted up.
I was just gathering all my materials to do my homework and she said the one thing to piss me off.

My sister has an obsession about "winning" fights.
She MUST get the last word in.
And she MUST let you know that you "lost."
And so she said, "Haha, you can't say anything."

I didn't say a word.
But anger was brewing inside me.
So, I did what makes me calm down: sing.

I usually lock myself inside the bathroom, turn on the fan, and sing so loudly that the whole house shakes.
It makes me feel so much better.
But, I figured, no.
No.
I must make her suffer.
And so, I put in my earbuds.
And I sang obnoxiously for such a long time.
I sang loudly.
Right beside her.
My volume at full blast.
And just had a completely good time.

I knew she was getting angrier and angrier.
And inside me, I don't like annoying people, so I felt like I should stop.
But I fought it and still sung.

She tried to get Mom to say for me to stop, but my mom wasn't happy with her and so, she didn't.
Finally, at some point, I was just singing and then she violently kicks the couch I'm on in the living room and says for me to shut up.
The kick caught me off guard.
And I just kind of started shaking subtly with anger.
And so I switched the song to Karma Police by Radiohead.
And made sure to sing the part, "This is what you get. When you mess with us."
And I chuckled darkly about it so she knew it was directed towards her.

She tried turning up the TV volume at full blast.
I just sung louder.
And finally she just couldn't win.
And she put it back down again.

I also should mention that I was on my laptop, and she unplugged the extension cord that I used to plug into the outlet. And so, my laptop battery was dying, so moved to the dining room table and brought the heater with me.
And she said, "What are you doing? That's not yours."
And I didn't say anything, and just tied it up and put it in the corner with me, while still listening to videos and stuff.
And then she comes up and takes it and says that I can no longer touch it.
And I heard it.
But I said instead, "Sorry, can't hear you. Try talking to me when my video is done."

Eventually, I got tired of singing, haha.
It was at least 2 hours of constant singing though.
I have 400+ songs on my MP3.

And this is where we are now, basically.
At one point she called me and asked if I wanted any tea, I guess she wanted to "reconcile", but at this point, I didn't want to reconcile.
So, I looked right in her eyes and said an emphatic, "No."
And looked right back at my computer screen.

I don't want to reconcile with her.
Not even in the slightest.
I'm tired of being nice to her and forgiving her so easily.
I won't ignore her, but I will be very cold towards her.

I'm tired of her and her constant bullsh*t.
She can't always decide that when she isn't in a good mood, that I shouldn't be either.
F*ck that!

I'm tired of her.
And I will let her know that I dislike her.

Because I don't like her.
I don't.

Where Is That Familiar Feeling of Relief?

I am finally finished all 4 of my exams and I get tmrw off to just relax before
school kicks me in the butt again.
And usually at this time, I feel so absolutely relieved and happy, but right now
I just don't.
I feel almost the exact opposite.
I feel sad.
Like really sad.
And also tired.

Probably because I spent the morning of today's exam crying and then the rest writing,
and then came home to a 3-hour, uninterrupted nap.

I was crying for the stupidest reason.
You see yesterday, I was cramming for biology because I maybe had studied once before today.
And so, I don't know why, but I could not, for the life of me, concentrate.
I would always end up on Youtube or Facebook or something else that is meaningless and
just waste 30 minutes at a time and then soon it went from 9 PM to 1:30 AM with
probably the vast majority of that time watching videos or on Facebook, profile stalking
people or whatever and maybe like an hour was actually studying.

And then I got into study mode.
This is the time when absolutely nothing distracts me.
It's the best because when I'm in absolutely panic-omg-gotta-study mode,
I am completely focused.
I don't waste time.
I'm efficient, relatively quick, my heart's racing and I'm completely alert.
Just fully digesting the information.
I once was in study mode for 9 hours straight in grade 9 when I was going over math.
That was my prize moment in life.

And so, I was in this mode for about 2 hours or so, and then I started feeling tiredness
behind my eyes and it started to distract me, so I figured I'd take maybe a 30-minute, perhaps hour
nap and then get right back to it.
Reflecting on it now, it might not have been the best idea because for all the other
3 exams that I had this week, whenever I went to take a nap, I would keep adding on
15 minutes before I just gave up and just went to sleep to wake up early to study again.
And then when I would do this, the next morning, I would run out of time and have to study
on the bus and then at school for a while and go into the exam room unprepared.
But, I did it.

And so, I went to take my hour nap and when I woke up, my grandmother gave me
heck about only sleeping for a little while and to add more so that I will be well-rested.
I easily gave in because I love sleep.
And so I added about 45 minutes back to my alarm and went on to take a nap.

Next thing I know, I'm jolting awake and I look at the time... 6:45 AM.
I was supposed to wake up 2 hours ago.
I had slept through my alarm.
I freak out.
Like really freak out.
I don't think I've freaked out like this before.
I was super scared.
Here I was.
I had hardly studied for my Bio exam which is a huge subject with lots of things I had
to go over and I had only gotten through the first unit.
I throw my bed cover off and start grabbing at my bio papers, and I don't know exactly
why, but I started crying.
Full on bawling.
The tears were just coming.
I was really panicking.
My dad was like, 'What's going on? Why are you crying?"
I had to take the bus at 7:06 and I still had to sort through all the scattered papers
to be able to study while I was on the bus and then I had to get ready.
I was still freaking out.
My dad was starting to get stern with me because he doesn't like when I cry.
He thinks it's pointless.
And I guess it is, but in that moment, I just really wanted comfort.
Not to be scolded.
And so, I just got into a really bad mood whilst crying.
I was stomping around the house getting all my stuff together, acting really snappy
to my dad when he was asking questions because I thought that he was attacking me
(But I realize now that he was just trying to calm me down and help me).
And so, I put everything in my bag and grabbed some clothes out of my wardrobe,
and went to the bathroom.
Brushed my teeth.
(Side note: Have you ever brushed your teeth while crying? It's the worst
thing ever. Your face is contorted in such a way that is showing extreme sadness, but
when brushing your teeth, you have to force your mouth into almost a smile and so
I was just trying to expose my teeth, but my crying face was trying to force my mouth into a frown.
It was horrible.)
And I just brushed my hair, threw my clothes on and put on my jacket with about 8 minutes to
spare.
And I was waiting at the door to finally go out when it reached closer to the time for the
bus to come and then my dad started talking to me more gently and it made me feel bad
for having being so moody with him.
At this point, I wasn't bawling, but I was just having silent tears.

As I was walking to the bus, I realized that the reason why I was crying so much
wasn't because I was scared that I was going to miss the bus and all that.
But because I felt really hopeless.
I know I didn't study much and that I was gonna go into the exam with only some
knowledge.
And I was really scared.
I know there isn't a single exam that I got in the 90s.
I completely wasted my time and my marks are gonna drop because of it.

By the time I reached the school, I had fully calmed down.
I felt a little drowsy from all the energy I had spent crying my eyes out.
I studied a bit more, gave in my textbook to get my "Permission to Write" slip and
walked into the exam room in an okay state.
I wasn't overly confident (I couldn't be), but I felt peaceful.
I had just prayed and I felt like I shouldn't be scared.

I'm not overly religious, mind you, but I do believe in God.
And He gives me some sense of peace when I really need it.

And so, I wrote the exam.
I surprised myself by remembering quite a bit of things that I hadn't gone over, but
there surely were some questions that I just did not know, and had to make
some deduction or simply guess.

I know that I got at least 20 full marks for my long answers (10 marks per question), but
I know that for the other 30, I probably lost a few points.
I still answered though, so I wouldn't get a zero.

Just calculated, and judging by the amount of questions I wasn't too sure on in the
multiple choice and the points I feel would be taken off for long answers,
my lowest mark would be 78%.
Whoaa.
I'm just hoping that my guessing worked out in the end.

I also know that for the math exam, my highest would probably be 89.
For French, I don't really know. Probably also 89.
For Chem: somewhere in the 80s.

Oh well.

Wow. My grade-9 self would be shocked by me right now.
I was always a keener (and almost kind of still am), but she would have been
completely surprised to see that I'm not freaking out right now, that I had hardly studied,
and that I had entered exams completely unprepared.
Remember, grade-9 me studied for 9 hours straight for MATH.

But anyway, because of the fact that I know I didn't do that great on the exams,
I'm not feeling relieved.
More like drained.
Just physically and mentally drained, and I wish that I could just fall asleep and never get up.

What Are You?

By the way, I didn't stop eating. At all.
Sure, I didn't bring my wallet to school (at first) so that I wouldn't be tempted
by the wrong foods, however, the next day, when I came home, I assure you that
I chomped down a ton of juice and food to my heart's content with more resolution
than ever that I loved food and I, in no way, would ever become anorexic by choice.
And therefore, that's the end of my journey with Ana.

However, what I wanted to talk about is being black.
I am black.
I can't say I'm African-American because I'm not from America.
Or is it a more broader term than that, like African-North-American?
In which case, yes.
I don't really feel comfortable with even saying that or African-Canadian.
I'm black.
Simply put.
My mom is from Trinidad, my dad from Jamaica.
I've actually started calling myself Caribbean-Canadian because that's
what I feel especially describes me and my culture.
Or is it a way to cop out of saying that I am African?
I am a descendant from Africa.
My mom and my dad are.
I'll have to reflect on that more.
What do I feel being African means?
Why am I afraid of it?

I feel I have had a "black experience."
That experience to know that in fact, you are not anything else.
You are black.

My childhood was very nice, actually... among other things.
I won't really get into that, but I'll just say I had an amazing family.
My sister was a bit mean, but all in all, I felt happy.
At school, people didn't really point out, 'Oh hey, you're black, you know that?
You're different.'
They didn't really care, I think.
For a long, long time, I didn't care about my blackness.
I was just being.
Living.
I never really looked in the mirror and said, 'You are black.'
I wasn't ever teased.
Nothing like that.
I was really the only "real black" kid in my class.
There was another boy, Daniel, who was black and Spanish.
The rest were white and Asian.

I knew what colour I was.
I knew that I was darker skinned.
But it didn't matter to me.
Again, I was just being.
And then, sometime, grade 5 or grade 6, I was really faced with
that question about blackness.
A girl in my class, Cindy...
I was walking up the stairs with her and my best friend at the time, and then
out of completely no where, she said I was an oreo cookie.
In this point of my life, I was so shy that I literally had no words for that.
I was hit with that statement, and I guess, shocked.
I had NEVER heard that term before.
And then, I guess she felt she needed to explain it because she said that
it means that I'm black on the outside, but all creamy white in the inside.
Again, no words.
It was probably one of the awkwardest moments of my life coupled with that oh-so
awkward laugh of feigned amusement.
When she left, my best friend looked at me and said, "Oh my God, I can't believe she
said that. Did you hear what she said?"
I quite simply said yes. That I had heard. But I was still reflecting on it.
I didn't feel offended... No, it wasn't that.
I was just, so suddenly, faced with my blackness.
I was faced with the question, "What is black?"
I, in no way, felt white, at all.
I never questioned my actions and thought of them as, "That is such a white thing to do."
I quite simply never cared.
Until now.
Was I acting white?
Am I separated from the black within me?
Am I different?
Am I acting like I'm supposed to?
Am I deliberately acting white to fit in?
It didn't offend me.
It startled me.
It made me question... me.

It got all out of hand from there.
My best friend convinced me to talk to the vice principal.
I really didn't feel like I needed to, but she urged me to.
And so, I did.
And Cindy got sent down and we had to have this big discussion together.
And soon, my whole class knew.
And Cindy was labelled the racist.
The racist.

This image is so vivid in my mind right now as I write this, but I remember being
out in the field at recess with my friends and I glanced over to the right...
And waaaay out on the other side of the field, completely isolated, was Cindy.
She was, quite literally, in the fetal position out there. Her head on her knees.
Completely alone.
And I felt bad.
Really bad.
I did not want this to happen.
I knew she wasn't racist.
She isn't 'Cindy the Racist'.
She was speaking her mind.
And I guess, I was acting white.

Actually... no. No. I wasn't acting white.
I hate that.
A few months ago, years later from that incident, I was again called an oreo.
White-washed.
And it's stupid!
What is white?
Is white synonymous with intelligence?
Is it because I don't always use slang in my speech, that I don't act 'ghetto' that I'm suddenly
'white-washed'?
Are black people synonymous with stupidity?
Am I not supposed to speak the way I do?
Am I not supposed to dress the way I do?
Am I not supposed to walk the way I do?
Am I not supposed to be?

I don't get it.
And all these questions and thoughts came up because of the program I just finished watching called
'Black in America' on CNN.

It doesn't always bug me.
But sometimes it does.
Sometimes it does.
Being black.


Maybe. Possibly.

I've decided today that I'm gonna just stop eating.
And just go on a water fast.
I don't know why.
I should be against it.
I've seen countless television programs saying all these bad things about this, but I can't
seem to care.
I don't know.
I don't care about my health too much.
I have xylophagia already, which I'm pretty sure isn't good for me.
Then there's me, constantly drinking juices, eating bread, chomping down a whole bag of chips.
How's is that healthy either?

I guess I'm kind of suicidal.
It's weird, really.
I'm sort of scared of dying.
Like I'm scared about what's on the other side.
My family is so religious, and I guess, in a sense, I am too because I have a fear of God.
And he'll just see how much I hate life and send me straight to hell.
That's why I kind of wish I didn't know about God or that I was an atheist because then, I wouldn't care.
But it would be kind of funny because I wouldn't be writing this right now if that was the case.
Maybe that's not the truth either since I'm scared of hurting myself either.
I couldn't slash my wrists.
I couldn't put a cord around my neck (I'm pretty sure I have nothing in my house to hang off of).
I couldn't jump in front of train. Just seeing that train approaching me would be enough to terrify me.
I don't really know.
I'd have to be really at the edge.
Maybe I'd just take a bunch of pills. We have a ton of those.
And maybe I'd go down and gulp down some alcohol while I'm at it. My dad has a ton of that.

But this isn't about me killing myself.
This is about not eating.
I've seen a lot of things saying, don't do it, don't do it.
But I just don't care about myself enough to not do it.
I don't eat healthy anyway.
I can't exercise since I'm always doing homework and when I'm not doing homework, I'm wasting time.
So, maybe I'll just stop.

I have a really funny reason for wanting to do it too.
The thing is, I'm really flat-chested. No boobs at all.
So, I figure, no boobs now, might as well not have boobs later.
I just have a fat stomach and nothing to show for it.

I just have to withstand the hunger pains.
Hunger pains are the worst.
I have such a love affair with junk food that I have to keep my wallet at home just to keep myself from being tempted.
I've done it for a week, I can do it for another.

You know, might as well make my mummy proud while I'm at it.
She's always talking about how my sister and I are big tubbies, so I'll do it for her.

It's 11:57 PM, nearing the start of a new day.
I'm around 4'11".
I'm... I'll go weigh myself right now.
Back.
I'm 110 lbs.
My mom said adding 5 lbs always more accurate, so essentially, I'm 115 lbs.
Eugh.
All that juice and bread I've been having isn't helping, obviously.
I'm gonna go check BMI and make a judgment.

I'm currently at a "normal weight" with a BMI of 23.2. Normal weight is 18.5 to 24.9. I'm very close.
I want to get to a solid 18.5 at least.

It seems as though if I get to 92 pounds, I'll be at 18.6.
I have to do this. Seems so hard though... Losing 23 pounds.
I can do it...
I remember when I was 90 pounds.

I can do it again.

Pity Party for the Self-Consumed

Guilty.

Yeah, pretty much all my blogs are about me and my problems.
Waah, waah.

I don't know what else to write, really.
It's natural to think that someone would think about themselves.
But, I am very self-consumed.

Always, me, me, me.
I'm sad.
I'm mad.
I'm unhappy.
I'm upset.
I'm, I'm, I'm.

You'd think that with all my flaws, I'd actually have one good quality.
Huh.

Thou Shall Not Kill... Yourself

I'm tired of life.
I don't want to live.
I have nothing to look forward to.
Like really.
All the things that people say when they talk about suicide...
I just don't care.

"Bigger better things."
"It gets better."
Psshh.
I don't care.

I know there are greater things in life.
I can have a nice career in pharmacy.
Make lots of money.
Get a big house.
Travel the world.
Have snazzy things.
Meet interesting people.
Find my soul mate.
Get married.
Have kids.

I just can't bring myself to care.

And this apathy that I feel just makes me want to die more.
I wish I didn't even have to die.
I wish I didn't exist in the first place.

I wish my mom had pursued her career path and not have had me.

I sometimes have these out of body moments, where I just think about my life.
And how it's going no where.

My life has become stagnant.
I love the people in my life.
I've made a lot of friends.
I get to laugh.
I get to smile.

But I don't care.
Nothing interests me anymore.

Maybe it's school.
School has perhaps just weakened me, mentally.
Being in that IB program has killed me.
Just that feeling of being utterly stupid.

You see, I based my whole identity on doing well in school.
I have a 81 in English right now.

An 81.

And I know, I'm being a pretentious little fxck right now, but...
It's what I've based my identity on.
My parents, specifically my mom, conditioned me into caring only about school.
Education.
And I understand.
Education is pretty fxcking important.

But I feel so dumb.
So idiotic.
In everything I do.
I don't understand.
My parents think I'm fxcking brilliant, but I'm not.
I had to work hard just to get all those fxcking 90s.
I'm not a genius!
Not even in the slightest!
But they don't get that!
I don't get that...
I want to be a genius.
I need to be.
But I'm not.

And I feel so helpless now that I know that working my hardest isn't enough.

I know if I work hard enough, I will be able to get a good job.
I know I can.
All this hard work I've done for the past 10 years must lead to something.
SOMETHING.
But I don't care.
I don't want it.

Maybe it's because I'm gonna be a pharmacist.

I don't want to be a pharmacist.
I want to do something in psychology.
I love the mind.
I adore it.
I want to explore it.

But as soon as I mentioned to my family that I wanted to pursue a career in psychology.
They belittled me.
I know it was playful.
But I also know there was some truth behind it.
There's always truth behind jokes.

I guess it was nice of them.
Telling me I could do better things than just be a mindless psychologist.
Be a pharmacist.
You'll make lots of money.

Okay.
Okay then.
FXCK PSYCHOLOGY.
I'll just be a fxcking pharmacist.
Because that's what I'll enjoy.
I'll enjoy that.
Because that's what you want, Mom.
That's what you want, Dad.
That's what you want, Sister.
That's what you want, Brother.
That's what I want!
Yes!
That's what I want...

Okay.

I don't care about life.
Life hasn't been given a meaning.
And I'm in no way in pursuit of its meaning.
Just tell me.
But since no one will,
SINCE GOD WON'T,
I don't care.

Dear, Ray.

I'm lying to you.
I am.
I feel so fake. And I am fake.
I pretend that I feel the same way you feel.
But I don't.

I don't know what happened within me.
Finally grew some self-respect...
I can't continue to lower myself and degrade myself anymore.
That was the way I met you.
I met you because I had low self-esteem.
I was lost.
I was hurt.
I felt unloved.
Ugly.
I was searching for love.
And what I found was not love.
Especially not from you.
This. Is not love.
This is pure, unadulterated lust.
And it sickens me that I debased myself to find this 'love.'
And now I'm here.
You supposedly have 'feelings' for me, but I can't bring myself to believe it.
It was based on something very different than what you describe.

The fact is that I don't understand romantic love.
I've never experienced it yet.
I'm young.
I'm naive.
I'm vulnerable.
I don't understand adult things.
Things that I tried to understand and things that you allowed me to try to understand.
And shame on you for that.

I understand why you put all these 'feelings' on me.
I know she doesn't show you love.
And it must be so hard for you.
It must be hard to lay in bed and not feel the warmth of love.
It must hurt.
But I am not the one to hold all of your hurt on my shoulders.

I have grown.
I'm no longer the little helpless girl that I once was.
I'm becoming a better person for myself.
And I can't continue this relationship.
This relationship is what is holding me back.
This relationship is what is restricting me.

I feel a sort of dependence on you still.
You make me feel desired and cared for.
But it's wrong.
I don't feel love from you.
And...
I don't have love for you.
I tried...
I lied and told you that I loved you, but I didn't.
I realize now that what I felt was not love.
And I'm so sorry for not telling you the truth.

I feel a sort of duty to always please you.
And by doing that, I've lied to myself and I've obviously lied to you.
I tried to make myself feel something that I could not feel.
And do not feel.
And will continue to not feel.
No matter how much you say you miss me.
No matter how much you say you love me.
No.

I can't continue on this path.
I cannot continue to say I want something when I don't.

I already made one mistake with you.
I will not allow you to lead me into making one again.
I won't.

The fact is, I don't consider you a lover.
I consider you a friend.
Perhaps not even a friend...
You bring out the worst in me.
And you've made me feel regret.

How could you let me feel regret?
How could you take advantage me?

How could I let myself feel regret?
How could I let myself be taken advantage of?

You make me angry.
You make me feel guilty.
You make me feel sad.

And at the same time, you make me happy.
You make me feel loved.

But why is that the only reason that I stay with you?
Why am I so pathetic?

I don't know.
I don't understand myself.

But I understand that this is wrong.
It was wrong from the beginning and it's wrong now.
I shouldn't have let you begin to feel the way you feel now.
And for that I apologize.
I apologize for leading you on for something that isn't there.

I don't love you, Ray.
I'm sorry.
And I wish I had the strength to say all of this to your face.

Egotistical and Lying To Myself

Well, I'm back.
I've visited the site a bit now and then, but I haven't really written anything.
Which is a bit bad as I've been left to rant inwardly. And that's not good.
Therefore, here I am! Coming back at you with some idiocy that I feel needs to be written.

The topic today is: EGOTISM.
Yay.
Well, that's me.
Or at least, that's me right now.
I feel the need to document this and inflate my rather big ego and stroke my pride.
I joke, I joke. I kid, I kid.
Really.

It's just that this is making me feel better.
Less stupid and idiotically hopeful.
Note the word "less".

On... Wednesday (yesterday), I ran to my chemistry room at lunch because I had a lab due and I really needed help on it.
I came in right after the bell had rung and people were still in there when I came in.
One of these people being George.
George is a just a guy that I had a crush on because he was being nice to me (and automatically
when a guy is a nice to me, I swoon over them... eventually).
Actually, let me elaborate more instead of some mediocre parentheses.

When I started my accelerated program in grade 10, I didn't know anyone.
I was separated from all my friends, all of whom I was very dependent on.
I looked to them and hid behind them to protect myself from all the strangers in my high school; to
eliminate the need for further social interactions because at the time, it was seriously hard for me
to make new friends.
It was pathetic.
(I'm not saying I've vastly improved now, and am SUPER POPULAR. Ha, no. It's just better now).
And so, when I walked into my first class of the day, Physics. I walked to a seat a bit
hesitantly. Unsure of myself.
Time passed, and things were better, but not the best.
I was a bit of a loner (coming from a school most of the school didn't come from).
They knew each other; they didn't know me.

One day, I come on Facebook (which at the time, I came on only like once a week) and I saw a message
from George. I added him because we faintly talked and he sent me a request.
The message asked me for help for some subject, but it was sent a week and then some ago
so, I just sent him back a message saying sorry, and that I hoped he found help.
He sent me back a message later on saying that it was okay and that he had.

Fast forward, it seems like we're on the fast track into being friends.
Talking to each other a lot of Facebook, meeting up at lunch.
Blah, blah, blah.
Next thing I know, I start having those first feelings of liking him.
Like a crush.
Not good.
This was the first step to the end of our "friendship".

I have a stupid tendency.
When I start crushing on someone, I freak out (inwardly).
I have this desperate need for them to not know under any circumstances that I
like them, even to the slightest degree.
And so I start avoiding them.

And that's what happened.
I transformed into the biggest jerk.
I'd avoid eye-contact.
If I saw him coming down the hallway, I'd try to find another route.
I'd come up with excuses so that I didn't have to meet him up at lunch.
I was an assh*le.
Really.
And then the messages from him were less frequent.
And he also avoided eye-contact with me.
And then we'd pass by in the hallways and just nod.
And eventually, it wasn't even that.
We'd deliberately not look at each other.
And that was the end.
No more messages.
No more talking.
No friendship.

And that's how it was.
I'd silently crush on him and get a sting of jealousy when he talked to other girls
the way he talked to me.
And then Mr. Yale distracted me.
But then in Geo, George and I kept making eye-contact and looking away and that
confused me.
And so, I forced myself to focus on Mr. Yale.
And that was it.
Soon enough, I liked George a lot less.
And that's where I am right now.

I know I still like him (as much as I hate to admit this), but it's not nearly a full-blown
crush as it once was.
If I'd see him, I'd look at him to see if he looks at me.
Most of the time, it's in vain.

I especially had to make myself stop liking him when my friend informed me he likes
another friend of mine (the one I find annoying).
And so, that's when I lost any hope.
I thought that this was the end and there was nothing more to hang onto.

But then, back to Chem.
I walked in and the first person I see is him and he's looking right back at me.
So, I quickly looked away.
I said hi to a friend leaving the class and put my bag down, to get my lab that I needed help
with.
The whole time, from the corner of my eye, I just see him, basically studying my face or
at least that seemed to be the case as he kept on staring at me.
And I tried my best not to look back.
I busied myself by fidgeting, talking with other people.
At a certain point, I was talking with my friend, Hannah and a funny guy named Jeremy.
We were discussing soft grapes versus firm grapes.
The general consensus was that soft grapes were very much inferior.
And we were laughing and all I could see is George just staring at me.
It was kind of awkward.
Eventually, he left.
And all I could think about was... what was that?

I don't understand.
When we pass by in the hallway, we act as though we aren't there.
But when we're in the same room as each other, where avoidance isn't quite possible,
all we do is glance at each other and if eye-contact is made, we look away.
I think it might be because I like him and he's trying to see if I still look at him.
I read that once.
Sometimes a guy you like looks back at you frequently because they're checking to
see if you are still looking at them.

I think this might be the case.
But, I rather be an egoist and say that it's because I'm so wonderful.

Yes.
Let's go with wonderful.

Adults Are Fascinating

Ever since I was a little child, I've always felt as though I wasn't young.
I've never felt my age, or at least that I can't remember really feeling like a kid.
I always needed to be mature, not be childish or do childish things.
I was pretty responsible.

It's saddening though, as now I wish I could be a child again.
Everything feels so stressful, just everything, even though I'm only sixteen.
Hardly an adult.
But I just want to experience that free-spirited feeling of when your a kid, just enjoying life.
All the years I've tried acting as an adult, when it wasn't really my time yet.
It sucks that I wasted that just trying to fulfill an image.

Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about adults.
I've truly realized today that I feel more comfortable... or at least that I enjoy myself more around adults.
Kids these days, or kids I know just seem to talk about nonsense.
Or really nothing of true interest.
I don't want to be hypocritical and say "ALL THEY TALK ABOUT IS BOYS" because, well, I don't really talk about boys with them, but I talk about boys a lot here.
It's more like they make stupid decisions or want to make stupid decisions and they discuss it with me.
And me, being the little stupid idiot that I am, I cannot voice my opinions in fear of being friendless (though it seems it's gonna be that way anyway).
So, I just nod my head and listen, but I don't necessarily agree.
Adults, they have interesting things to talk about.
I'm not craving a philosophical conversation (although they are nice), I'm just not intelligent enough to even contribute a logical idea to any such conversation.
I guess I just love the stories.
They just have such fun and great stories to tell about their lives and it's nice to just sit and listen to them.
I could listen to it all day.
I'm saying this because on several occasions, such as today, I've had the opportunity to experience this and it's just truly fantastic. I love it.
Just sitting back and laughing or tearing up at something that has happened in their life, and it's amazing.
Just today, my uncle, my dad and I were in the backyard, on the patio, just sitting down on some chairs and they were talking (I would sometimes contribute a laugh or a "wow" to the conversation) and I had a wonderful time.
I love whenever I can be a part of that.
I hardly feel that way with the "friends" I have at school (I put quotations because I don't really know if they consider me a friend) or at least the kids my age that I talk to.

I just hope I can be that way when I become an adult.
Interesting, I mean.

1-20 of 37 Blogs   

Previous Posts
...Idiot., posted May 17th, 2013
Keep On Dreaming, Dreamer, posted May 11th, 2013
Him, posted April 27th, 2013
My Sister: A Passive-Agressive, Spiteful B*tch, posted April 24th, 2013
I'm Absolutely Terrified of School, posted March 31st, 2013
Love., posted March 26th, 2013
Lately..., posted March 24th, 2013
Can't Stop Feeling So Sad., posted March 9th, 2013, 2 comments
What Is This?, posted March 3rd, 2013
Scandal, posted February 16th, 2013
Thoughts, Thoughts, Thoughts..., posted February 15th, 2013
My Sister, posted February 11th, 2013
Where Is That Familiar Feeling of Relief?, posted January 31st, 2013
What Are You?, posted January 27th, 2013
Maybe. Possibly., posted January 21st, 2013
Pity Party for the Self-Consumed, posted November 22nd, 2012
Thou Shall Not Kill... Yourself, posted November 22nd, 2012
Dear, Ray., posted November 4th, 2012
Egotistical and Lying To Myself, posted October 18th, 2012
Adults Are Fascinating, posted August 13th, 2012
I'm a Loser!, posted July 21st, 2012
Slightly Pathetic, posted June 21st, 2012
An Involuntary Lone Wolf, posted June 16th, 2012
Depth of Approximately One Millimeter, posted June 7th, 2012
Purely Physical?, posted June 6th, 2012
Frickin' Jealousy, posted June 1st, 2012
A Heartwarming Glimpse, posted May 25th, 2012
The Stink of Humiliation, posted May 6th, 2012
Like the Wind, posted May 1st, 2012
Longing, posted April 7th, 2012
Hostility And Complexities, posted April 5th, 2012
Lined Paper, Plain Black Letters and Fatigue, posted March 31st, 2012
Odd, But Familiar Stifling Feeling Within My Chest, posted March 29th, 2012, 2 comments
This May Seem Pathetic, But..., posted March 29th, 2012
Fat. Fatter. Fattest., posted March 29th, 2012
A Deformed Face, posted March 28th, 2012
21 Jump Street, posted March 27th, 2012

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